collection of 20 Best Husband and Wife Jokes in Hindi and English
1- Doctor:Madam, your husband needs rest
and peace so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor:They are for you.!!
2- Husband texts to wife on cell..
“Hi,what r you doing Darling?”
Wife: I’m dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”
Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair..”
Husband: “Bloody English Language!
3-Husband: ALLAH ne tumhein 2 aakhen di hain
chaawal se patthar nahi nikal sakti?
WIFE: ALLAH ne tumhe 32 daant diye hai
2-4 patthar nhi chaba sakte?
4- ek admi doston ki mehfil se raat late ghar gaya
dosto ne pucha k wife ne kuch kaha to nahi
admi bola nahi kuch khas nahi bus ye
2 dant to mai wesay bhi niklwane wala tha
5- Wife: Wo samay jo admi drink ker raha hai,
usko main nay 10 saal pehlay shadi k
liye inkaar kia tha.
Aaj tak sharab pee raha hay!
Husband: Wow! itni lambi celebration!
6- A beggar- ‘Oh sundari ! Andha hoon.
Sawa paanch rupya de de..
“Husband said 2 his wife- De de, tujhe
sundari bola hai to har haal mein andha hai…
7- Wo kia cheez hay
Jo biwi apnay husband ko sari umar nahi deti
Bar bar magney per bhi nain deti.
Aur yeh illegal bhi nain hy??
Come on yar?
8- Husband wife mein larai hoi,
Husband ghar se chala gaya,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,”Khanay mein kia hai”
Husb:Mai dair se aonga, tum kha kar so jana:D
9- Ek admi aadi raat ko apni moti biwi se bola
k sisak sisak ke marna theek hai ya ek dum.
BIWI : Ek dum.
Aadmi : To apni dusri tang bhi mujh per rakh do.
10 -Wife: Main tumhari yaad mein
15 din mein hi aadhi ho gayi hun,
mujhe lene kab aa rahe ho?
Husband: 15 din aur ruk jao…
11- Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. “Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said. “Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.” The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. “What did the doctor say?” he asked. “I’m sorry, m’dear,” she said, “but he said you’re not going to make it.”
12- Doctor: sorry , reports got mixed up.
We don’t know if your wife has AIDS or Asthma!
husband: What should i do now?
Doctor – Send her 4 jogging,
if she returns, don’t sleep with her!
13- The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
14- A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
15- Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :-
Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood,
don’t discuss ur problems,
no tv serial, dont demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home..
Husband :- wat did the doc say ?
Wife :- .No chance for u to survive
16- After massive demand from all husbands…
A new app called,”Fear” is launched in IPHONE 7
You just say ,”Wife”
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hide all special folders
deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife’s photograph as a wallpaper
17 – A man received d phone
from emergency room of hospital
Doctor: Your wife was in a fatal car
accident & I’ve bad n good news.
The bad news is,
She has lost both arms n legs n
will b on a respirator d rest of her life.
Man: 0h my God, whats the good
Doctor: I’m kidding, She is Dead…
18 – A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking
Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club:
Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football With Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything , He’s On The Darts Team
In My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again ?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says “Hey Jimmy Boy ,
You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time..”
Jim’s Funeral Is On Sunday
19 – Husband throwing knives on wifes picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her
“Hi,wat ru doin?”
His honest reply,”MISSING U”
20 – Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem Can there be greater than this one?